Onwards Till Dawn : Room To Breathe

" your thorns are the best part of you "

marianne moore

Everyone, at least once, in their lifetime will find themselves in probably one of the lowest parts of their life. In the course of the past year and a half I've experienced my parents being roughly divorced, unsettling accusations and, unnerving discoveries, and the fear of everything I knew being stripped away from me because someone was so stuck inside of themselves they couldn't tell you what was apart of the real world or apart of their wild speculations. During this time and the months following afterwards I can confirm to that I have been at my lowest.

Fear wrapped his arms around my throat choking me, cutting off my air flow, and preventing me from voicing my emotions.

Anxiety strapped me to my bed whispering words of hate into my ears day and night as if she were a record player on a loop. She told me of all the bad things, worse things, to come.

Sadness laid on top of me weighing me down making me unable to move. Everything I knew, whether it had been bad or good, was being stripped away. All that I knew was gone. I fell deeper into my bed as sadness grew like a sickness. I honestly had never felt this alone.

Madness shouted from across the room telling me all the things I should be doing, what I should be screaming and breaking. I was mad that this person had become so awful. So mean. So emotionally and mentally abusive. Madness screamed at me telling me to be mad and frustrated and I knew I had every right to be and yet...I wasn't. I was scared.

Helplessness laid next to me underneath my comforter. We stared at the ceiling for hours at a time in the early morning hours when the green numbers on the clock only read 3:21 am. We were both helpless to the situation knowing that we didn't a choice in what the people said and where we went. We only had to hope for the best. We had to. But we didn't and instead began readying ourselves for the worst outcome.

Longing sat by the window watching the rain bounce off the cold glass. Oh how we both longed for things we never had. A family. A place to call home. A place without fear.

Pessimism stood in the corner of the room knowing nothing would be okay. They knew that this would become a recurring loop of pain and disaster we'd never get out of.

As things went on they got worse. Happiness and optimism, hope and contentedness were all locked out of the room banging on the door begging to be let in. I wanted to let them in but I couldn't move to unlock the door.

It's been over a year now. I don't think I've began to heal the flesh wounds left over from that time. I've been coddled, lectured, and pushed to heal. I've been told it's alright, that it's okay. I've been told that I can talk them or to someone or to anyone. I am questioned and poke and prodded daily when all I want is a little room to breathe.

I need a little room breathe. I need a little time to think. I've been through many things. I've seen so much. I'm still processing whats happened. I'm terrified that it's going to come back. t

Time isn't what I need. Time isn't enough. I need the room to clear. I need the window to be opened. I need the wind to blow away the bad and bring forth the good. I need to breathe.

I will be okay.
I will heal.
Everyone feels pain differently and everyone reacts to feelings differently than you or I. It's not our place to try and understand their pain, my pain, but only to be there when they fall deeper into that hole of despair and hopelessness. We are never truly alone.

A rose bush never has just one flower but multiple buds waiting to bloom into beauty but it's our thorns that are the best part of the flower, of us.

Unit we perish,

Shads