Room To Breathe

" your thorns are the best part of you "

marianne moore

Everyone, at least once, in their lifetime will find themselves in probably one of the lowest parts of their life. In the course of the past year and a half I've experienced my parents being roughly divorced, unsettling accusations and, unnerving discoveries, and the fear of everything I knew being stripped away from me because someone was so stuck inside of themselves they couldn't tell you what was apart of the real world or apart of their wild speculations. During this time and the months following afterwards I can confirm to that I have been at my lowest. 

Fear wrapped his arms around my throat choking me, cutting off my air flow, and preventing me from voicing my emotions. 

Anxiety strapped me to my bed whispering words of hate into my ears day and night as if she were a record player on a loop. She told me of all the bad things, worse things, to come. 

Sadness laid on top of me weighing me down making me unable to move. Everything I knew, whether it had been bad or good, was being stripped away. All that I knew was gone. I fell deeper into my bed as sadness grew like a sickness. I honestly had never felt this alone. 

Madness shouted from across the room telling me all the things I should be doing, what I should be screaming and breaking. I was mad that this person had become so awful. So mean. So emotionally and mentally abusive. Madness screamed at me telling me to be mad and frustrated and I knew I had every right to be and yet...I wasn't. I was scared. 

Helplessness laid next to me underneath my comforter. We stared at the ceiling for hours at a time in the early morning hours when the green numbers on the clock only read 3:21 am. We were both helpless to the situation knowing that we didn't a choice in what the people said and where we went. We only had to hope for the best. We had to. But we didn't and instead began readying ourselves for the worst outcome. 

Longing sat by the window watching the rain bounce off the cold glass. Oh how we both longed for things we never had. A family. A place to call home. A place without fear.

Pessimism stood in the corner of the room knowing nothing would be okay. They knew that this would become a recurring loop of pain and disaster we'd never get out of. 

As things went on they got worse. Happiness and optimism, hope and contentedness were all locked out of the room banging on the door begging to be let in. I wanted to let them in but I couldn't move to unlock the door.

It's been over a year now. I don't think I've began to heal the flesh wounds left over from that time. I've been coddled, lectured, and pushed to heal. I've been told it's alright, that it's okay. I've been told that I can talk them or to someone or to anyone. I am questioned and poke and prodded daily when all I want is a little room to breathe.

I need a little room breathe. I need a little time to think. I've been through many things. I've seen so much. I'm still processing whats happened. I'm terrified that it's going to come back. t

Time isn't what I need. Time isn't enough. I need the room to clear. I need the window to be opened. I need the wind to blow away the bad and bring forth the good. I need to breathe.

I will be okay.
I will heal.
Everyone feels pain differently and everyone reacts to feelings differently than you or I. It's not our place to try and understand their pain, my pain, but only to be there when they fall deeper into that hole of despair and hopelessness. We are never truly alone. 

A rose bush never has just one flower but multiple buds waiting to bloom into beauty but it's our thorns that are the best part of the flower, of us.

Unit we perish,

Shads

Room To Breathe - You Me At Six

If any of my readers ever need help please don't be afraid to reach out. Below I've compiled a list of hotlines and text chats. 

List Of International Suicide Hotlines

International Hotlines

Chat Rooms

Text Hotlines for US, UK, Canada, Australia/New Zealand

this post is unedited as of 12/6/17

All Of My Tomorrows

" You may not have a tomorrow "

- unknown 

We shrug life off of our shoulders with the phrase 'I'll do it tomorrow' but when do we ever really go forth in executing our plans for life? 

You plan to read that book you bought on clearance but never do.

You plan to cook something new but when you find that you don't have a certain you tell yourself tomorrow. 

You plan to leave your house and go on a trip and yet you sit on the sofa and sleep. 

You plan to get your dream job but as soon as the going gets tough you start saying tomorrow.  

You plan to have a partner to have and to hold with kids and a house of your own and yet you're too scared to let go of a past lover.     

You plan but when do you do?

What is it going to take for you to stop planning and start doing? When will you decide that it's time for you to experience life outside of what you know? You and I, we may not have a tomorrow. Many people will today as their last and there will be no tomorrow. They will have left things unsaid and plans left undone. You and I will do this as well, but the question is, how high do you want the number of unsaid and undone? 

Life a little. Live outside of the box. Live like everyday is your last. Live until the morning sun breaks the horizon with hues of oranges and yellows and then live again.  

I implore you, stranger, to fill your life with experiences and answered questions not fears and the regret of not doing it when you had the chance.

Until we perish, Shads

We are happy.

" one day happiness will find you "

unknown

Perhaps it's early in the morning on a Tuesday. The birds have started their day with a song. The sun shines through the gaps of the trees and slightly begins to illuminate the bedroom in which you share with someone you love. Let it be a pet, a person, or both for that matter. No one is awake but you. Your mind wonders before you take a deep breathe and smile widely. You're content. You're safe. You're happy. 

Or maybe you're in the old beaten up car that you can no longer tell if it was once red or if it was pink all along. The radio blares music played by the local radio station. The windows are rolled down and the crisp mountain air fills the car. You've taken a wrong turn but continued on anyway as towns passed by and you find yourself in a new place. You don't mind because you have all that you need in the car with you. You're content. You're safe. You're happy. 

It could even be a sudden moment in the middle of a concert crowd. You're listening to a band you've never heard of but they're pretty gosh-darn good. You're jumping around to the beat. Smiling and laughing. It was in that moment that you knew you were happy.

Happiness will find you. It will find you over and over and over again. Happiness was never a foreign concept for any of us. We will always have moments of defeat and failure, sadness and grief. Emotions are just a part of human life and it's okay to feel them but know that while we won't be happy forever we will have moments of pure euphoria we never want to end. We will also have moments of overwhelming sadness that it seems like everything good in the world is gone. Mother Earth has so much to offer to us its mind boggling. You just have to get out there to experience it. 

Go forth and adventure. 

Until We Perish, Shads

Of Wealth and Adventure

" you aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy "

- Garth Brooks

Mortgage. 

Grocery bill. 

Water bill. 

Car insurance.

We work jobs to pay our bills and get on with life. We pay to adventure, don't we? Tickets and admission costs are high no matter where you go or what coupons you use. We pay to have fun. But what if you don't have to?

There's a saying, money can't buy happiness, in which I detest for reasons maybe you'll learn later on. However, the person that said these words can be proved right in many situations. My childhood was great, I'm not going to lie to you. We had great Christmas' and Halloweens. Birthdays were filled with cake and singing. For years it had just been my mother, older sister, and I before my little sister came along and the three of us became four. My father wasn't a man that would share his paycheck with his family. I can vaguely remember weeks where we ate only meatloaf for dinner. Weeks where my mother and father would yell over things I didn't quite yet understand as I was just a child. I remember weeks that he was gone and the four of us was once again left to our own devices. We weren't wealthy, but we lived well. We couldn't have new things or nice cars all of the time, but that didn't matter to us. My family and I found one of the several things the money can't buy and that was family.

Together, my family and I did so many things together. We worked on our garden and crafted. We had Nerf Gun wars. Played pretend kitchen with plastic foods and smiles. Played football in the front yard and walked the neighborhood. While we still went out and did things together much like we do now, we still managed to do something some have never done. Sometimes what's in front of you is enough.

Now I challenge you to do something with the people you call family or friends that doesn't cost money or put a strain on anyone. I challenge you to find happiness with what is in front of you.

Until We Perish, Shads


(unedited)

Until We Fear No More

" fear of failure is one attitude that will keep you at the same point in your life "

- Byron Pulsifer 

If fear continued to hold onto me then I would of never of done the things I have accomplished. I am not completly free of fear. I don't think we'll ever be free from fear for it's a looming little gray cloud that stops us from accomplishing our goals. We're all victims of fear. 

We fear loving too much. 

We fear hating too strongly. 

We fear disappointment. 

We fear failure. 

We fear. 

I don't think we'll ever be completly free from fear. It has always been there scratching away at the layers I've buried it under but I won't let it take control of me completely every again. If I did then so many things I love would be lost to the void. Fear of the dark or fear of clowns hiding in our backyard are things that keep us on our toes but sometimes you just have to brush it aside and dive right into the unknown. How else are you going to watch IT, or any other horror flick, if you're too afraid? How will you be able to do anything if you're too afraid of the road to get there or even the outcome? 

If I feared the dark, then my demons would surely get me. 

If I feared falling, then I wouldn't trust anyone. 

If I feared fire, then I would be cold once more. 

If I feared the unknown, I would be forever ignorant to what I know now. 

Fear is normal, they say. It's a natural reaction to things that are not normal. So how do we not fear? How do we break out of the mold we have put ourselves into? How do we stop fearing things out of the norm?

We break the sense of normal. We chain fear to the floor. And only then can we be limitless.

Until We Perish, Shads

I dare you to try this recipe for a banana and berry fruit bowl! The food processor I used actually scared me at first. I had never used it  

What you'll need:

• 3 bananas
• 3 types of berries, I used Strawberry, Raspberry, and Blueberry 
• 1 tablespoon milk, I used 2% but it would be better if Vanilla Almond Milk was used  
• 2 teaspoons honey, I used local
• Food Processor, which is what I used but I'm sure a large blender would work as well 
• Optional Toppings: Oats, Chia Seeds, Granola, Additional Fruits

I used 1 banana for every 1 cup of berry I used. So 3 bananas because I used 3 cups of berries.

Plop the bananas and berries into the food processor with the milk and honey then pulse until mixed well. It should be soupy at this point. 

If you would like it thicker, use frozen fruits or add in an ice cube or two.

Serve in a bowl and add prefered toppings. 

Photo Credit to me
Add me on Instagram @ snburton_photography for more 

The Meaning Of Us

" why are we here? "

" because we're alive "

Sometimes I think it's the eerie glow of a lone flashlight compared to inky blackness of the night that continues to bring me back. No matter how far I go I'll always find my back to the source of light.

Sometimes I think there's something in the asphalt used to pave the roads I drive on that continues to bring me back. I always find myself looking down the road wondering where it will take me next.

Sometimes I think there's something in the flour I use to sprinkle the pastry dough. It keeps me coming back wondering what I could use it to make next. 

Sometimes I think it's the thump of the bass pressing into my chest that continues to bring me back to the music. The smell of pyrotechnics mixed with liquor is a smell I know best and it brings me home.  

Sometimes I think it's the endless opportunities that keeps the dream of life thriving. The feeling of doing something you never would have done otherwise. The feeling of breaking out of the normal day to day routine we have found ourselves trapped inside of.

But what keeps you from coming back again and again? Mortgage? No money? No friends? No time? Too old? Too young? There's a million reasons to stop someone from pursuing a life that they desire but in this case it's just you, isn't it? You're scared. Scared of what's going to happen. Scared of where your money is gonna go. Fear stops so many people from doing such great things. Fear has stopped me as well. Many things I wanted to do but I feared judgment, injury, a scolding. Fear has ruined many things until one day I realised that I am my fear.

But fear does not control me. I control fear.

And because I control it, I am no longer bored. I stepped outside of my six by six box and into a whole new world I never thought existed beyond the cardboard. It started with a simple dish I cooked in the kitchen to climbing into stone covered holes in the ground because I wanted to know where it went. I have become a person of plans, not dreams. A person of satisfaction instead of crippling curiosity. Though I will admit, curiosity never dies off.

Fear was normal. Fear molded us in boxes that continued a day by day without another thought.
Break the sense of normal. Control fear. Become the person you want to be.

Onwards Until We Perish

- Shads