Room To Breathe

" your thorns are the best part of you "

marianne moore

Everyone, at least once, in their lifetime will find themselves in probably one of the lowest parts of their life. In the course of the past year and a half I've experienced my parents being roughly divorced, unsettling accusations and, unnerving discoveries, and the fear of everything I knew being stripped away from me because someone was so stuck inside of themselves they couldn't tell you what was apart of the real world or apart of their wild speculations. During this time and the months following afterwards I can confirm to that I have been at my lowest. 

Fear wrapped his arms around my throat choking me, cutting off my air flow, and preventing me from voicing my emotions. 

Anxiety strapped me to my bed whispering words of hate into my ears day and night as if she were a record player on a loop. She told me of all the bad things, worse things, to come. 

Sadness laid on top of me weighing me down making me unable to move. Everything I knew, whether it had been bad or good, was being stripped away. All that I knew was gone. I fell deeper into my bed as sadness grew like a sickness. I honestly had never felt this alone. 

Madness shouted from across the room telling me all the things I should be doing, what I should be screaming and breaking. I was mad that this person had become so awful. So mean. So emotionally and mentally abusive. Madness screamed at me telling me to be mad and frustrated and I knew I had every right to be and yet...I wasn't. I was scared. 

Helplessness laid next to me underneath my comforter. We stared at the ceiling for hours at a time in the early morning hours when the green numbers on the clock only read 3:21 am. We were both helpless to the situation knowing that we didn't a choice in what the people said and where we went. We only had to hope for the best. We had to. But we didn't and instead began readying ourselves for the worst outcome. 

Longing sat by the window watching the rain bounce off the cold glass. Oh how we both longed for things we never had. A family. A place to call home. A place without fear.

Pessimism stood in the corner of the room knowing nothing would be okay. They knew that this would become a recurring loop of pain and disaster we'd never get out of. 

As things went on they got worse. Happiness and optimism, hope and contentedness were all locked out of the room banging on the door begging to be let in. I wanted to let them in but I couldn't move to unlock the door.

It's been over a year now. I don't think I've began to heal the flesh wounds left over from that time. I've been coddled, lectured, and pushed to heal. I've been told it's alright, that it's okay. I've been told that I can talk them or to someone or to anyone. I am questioned and poke and prodded daily when all I want is a little room to breathe.

I need a little room breathe. I need a little time to think. I've been through many things. I've seen so much. I'm still processing whats happened. I'm terrified that it's going to come back. t

Time isn't what I need. Time isn't enough. I need the room to clear. I need the window to be opened. I need the wind to blow away the bad and bring forth the good. I need to breathe.

I will be okay.
I will heal.
Everyone feels pain differently and everyone reacts to feelings differently than you or I. It's not our place to try and understand their pain, my pain, but only to be there when they fall deeper into that hole of despair and hopelessness. We are never truly alone. 

A rose bush never has just one flower but multiple buds waiting to bloom into beauty but it's our thorns that are the best part of the flower, of us.

Unit we perish,

Shads

Room To Breathe - You Me At Six

If any of my readers ever need help please don't be afraid to reach out. Below I've compiled a list of hotlines and text chats. 

List Of International Suicide Hotlines

International Hotlines

Chat Rooms

Text Hotlines for US, UK, Canada, Australia/New Zealand

this post is unedited as of 12/6/17

The Meaning Of Us

" why are we here? "

" because we're alive "

Sometimes I think it's the eerie glow of a lone flashlight compared to inky blackness of the night that continues to bring me back. No matter how far I go I'll always find my back to the source of light.

Sometimes I think there's something in the asphalt used to pave the roads I drive on that continues to bring me back. I always find myself looking down the road wondering where it will take me next.

Sometimes I think there's something in the flour I use to sprinkle the pastry dough. It keeps me coming back wondering what I could use it to make next. 

Sometimes I think it's the thump of the bass pressing into my chest that continues to bring me back to the music. The smell of pyrotechnics mixed with liquor is a smell I know best and it brings me home.  

Sometimes I think it's the endless opportunities that keeps the dream of life thriving. The feeling of doing something you never would have done otherwise. The feeling of breaking out of the normal day to day routine we have found ourselves trapped inside of.

But what keeps you from coming back again and again? Mortgage? No money? No friends? No time? Too old? Too young? There's a million reasons to stop someone from pursuing a life that they desire but in this case it's just you, isn't it? You're scared. Scared of what's going to happen. Scared of where your money is gonna go. Fear stops so many people from doing such great things. Fear has stopped me as well. Many things I wanted to do but I feared judgment, injury, a scolding. Fear has ruined many things until one day I realised that I am my fear.

But fear does not control me. I control fear.

And because I control it, I am no longer bored. I stepped outside of my six by six box and into a whole new world I never thought existed beyond the cardboard. It started with a simple dish I cooked in the kitchen to climbing into stone covered holes in the ground because I wanted to know where it went. I have become a person of plans, not dreams. A person of satisfaction instead of crippling curiosity. Though I will admit, curiosity never dies off.

Fear was normal. Fear molded us in boxes that continued a day by day without another thought.
Break the sense of normal. Control fear. Become the person you want to be.

Onwards Until We Perish

- Shads