Here's To 2018

" heres to the moments when we didnt think about right or wrong, where we just lived, crossed our fingers and hoped for the best "

- visualstatments.net

New Years Day. The day of that marks the beginning of the "new you". A day that marks the beginning of your New Year's resolution to better yourself, your environment, and your overall lifestyle. We make lists and dream about how the year will be better with us doing these things and yet a week later we're found sitting on the sofa with a bag of chips in our laps binge watching a show we've seen four times to date. All for what? A reassurance you'll get to it tomorrow? Next week? Next month or even next year?

Nobody follows through with their New Year's resolution. I barely keep up with update days let alone a resolution to get up early and start running with my dog. We collectively make these promises to ourselves with no intent to follow through and then expect to be a changed person by the end of the year. 

Nobody will be the same person at the end of the year. Nobody will leave this new year the same either. We, as humans, learn and as we learn we grow, and as we grow, we become different people. It's our job, right now, it find the source of our unhappiness in the past year and to smother it. It's now our job to cut out the toxic people, the problems they bring, and the trouble and leave it in the past. It's now time to learn from our mistakes, and to learn from our failures as failure is the greatest teacher. We learned not to make those mistakes and to do things differently and now we head into the new year with a new outlook and a fresh mind.   

Now, I challenge you reader, to make a daily, a weekly, and even a monthly resolution to yourself. No matter the size of it, I challenge you to make the task and to complete the task. Start by making your bed in the morning. Start by getting up earlier and going to sleep earlier. Start by adding more greens to your plate than meats. Start going on crazy adventures and start trying new things. Read books you like and those you don't. Eat the food you thought smelled funny but never tried or try a food you hated as a kid. Listen to new music and old music. Start somewhere, start small, and you'll be inclined to do much more than just a simple task. Start somewhere and be amazed by the change. 

So here's to 2018, the year the resolution changes. The year we become better people, lead better lives, and better the world we live in. 2018 will be the year that all the bullshit will be left in and the year become the people we are meant to be in due time. 

here's to 2018

here's to us

here's to the year of better 

Until We Perish,

Shads

Room To Breathe

" your thorns are the best part of you "

marianne moore

Everyone, at least once, in their lifetime will find themselves in probably one of the lowest parts of their life. In the course of the past year and a half I've experienced my parents being roughly divorced, unsettling accusations and, unnerving discoveries, and the fear of everything I knew being stripped away from me because someone was so stuck inside of themselves they couldn't tell you what was apart of the real world or apart of their wild speculations. During this time and the months following afterwards I can confirm to that I have been at my lowest. 

Fear wrapped his arms around my throat choking me, cutting off my air flow, and preventing me from voicing my emotions. 

Anxiety strapped me to my bed whispering words of hate into my ears day and night as if she were a record player on a loop. She told me of all the bad things, worse things, to come. 

Sadness laid on top of me weighing me down making me unable to move. Everything I knew, whether it had been bad or good, was being stripped away. All that I knew was gone. I fell deeper into my bed as sadness grew like a sickness. I honestly had never felt this alone. 

Madness shouted from across the room telling me all the things I should be doing, what I should be screaming and breaking. I was mad that this person had become so awful. So mean. So emotionally and mentally abusive. Madness screamed at me telling me to be mad and frustrated and I knew I had every right to be and yet...I wasn't. I was scared. 

Helplessness laid next to me underneath my comforter. We stared at the ceiling for hours at a time in the early morning hours when the green numbers on the clock only read 3:21 am. We were both helpless to the situation knowing that we didn't a choice in what the people said and where we went. We only had to hope for the best. We had to. But we didn't and instead began readying ourselves for the worst outcome. 

Longing sat by the window watching the rain bounce off the cold glass. Oh how we both longed for things we never had. A family. A place to call home. A place without fear.

Pessimism stood in the corner of the room knowing nothing would be okay. They knew that this would become a recurring loop of pain and disaster we'd never get out of. 

As things went on they got worse. Happiness and optimism, hope and contentedness were all locked out of the room banging on the door begging to be let in. I wanted to let them in but I couldn't move to unlock the door.

It's been over a year now. I don't think I've began to heal the flesh wounds left over from that time. I've been coddled, lectured, and pushed to heal. I've been told it's alright, that it's okay. I've been told that I can talk them or to someone or to anyone. I am questioned and poke and prodded daily when all I want is a little room to breathe.

I need a little room breathe. I need a little time to think. I've been through many things. I've seen so much. I'm still processing whats happened. I'm terrified that it's going to come back. t

Time isn't what I need. Time isn't enough. I need the room to clear. I need the window to be opened. I need the wind to blow away the bad and bring forth the good. I need to breathe.

I will be okay.
I will heal.
Everyone feels pain differently and everyone reacts to feelings differently than you or I. It's not our place to try and understand their pain, my pain, but only to be there when they fall deeper into that hole of despair and hopelessness. We are never truly alone. 

A rose bush never has just one flower but multiple buds waiting to bloom into beauty but it's our thorns that are the best part of the flower, of us.

Unit we perish,

Shads

Room To Breathe - You Me At Six

If any of my readers ever need help please don't be afraid to reach out. Below I've compiled a list of hotlines and text chats. 

List Of International Suicide Hotlines

International Hotlines

Chat Rooms

Text Hotlines for US, UK, Canada, Australia/New Zealand

this post is unedited as of 12/6/17

Of Wealth and Adventure

" you aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy "

- Garth Brooks

Mortgage. 

Grocery bill. 

Water bill. 

Car insurance.

We work jobs to pay our bills and get on with life. We pay to adventure, don't we? Tickets and admission costs are high no matter where you go or what coupons you use. We pay to have fun. But what if you don't have to?

There's a saying, money can't buy happiness, in which I detest for reasons maybe you'll learn later on. However, the person that said these words can be proved right in many situations. My childhood was great, I'm not going to lie to you. We had great Christmas' and Halloweens. Birthdays were filled with cake and singing. For years it had just been my mother, older sister, and I before my little sister came along and the three of us became four. My father wasn't a man that would share his paycheck with his family. I can vaguely remember weeks where we ate only meatloaf for dinner. Weeks where my mother and father would yell over things I didn't quite yet understand as I was just a child. I remember weeks that he was gone and the four of us was once again left to our own devices. We weren't wealthy, but we lived well. We couldn't have new things or nice cars all of the time, but that didn't matter to us. My family and I found one of the several things the money can't buy and that was family.

Together, my family and I did so many things together. We worked on our garden and crafted. We had Nerf Gun wars. Played pretend kitchen with plastic foods and smiles. Played football in the front yard and walked the neighborhood. While we still went out and did things together much like we do now, we still managed to do something some have never done. Sometimes what's in front of you is enough.

Now I challenge you to do something with the people you call family or friends that doesn't cost money or put a strain on anyone. I challenge you to find happiness with what is in front of you.

Until We Perish, Shads


(unedited)